The Meteor awards nominees were announced this week after the usual painstaking process of carefully wittling down the eligible entrants to perfectly represent what absolutely nobody is listening to. This is how I imagine things go in the Meteor office:
Spa #1: Are we meant to be doing those awards again this year?
Spa #2: Shit, we better lash together some nominations fast!
Spa #1: Should I gather a team of journalists, critics and musicians from a wide-range of sources and genres and compile a thorough list of releases and gigs during the past year?
Spa #2: No, I’ll just flick back through the Hot Press cover stars of the past 12 months and ask someone from a PR company to divide the acts into meaningless categories. We’ll let Universal Ireland decide on the International acts they want for this year.
Spa #1: But what about the quality albums and gigs that music fans actually enjoyed in 2009?
Spa #2: We don’t have time to care about them! We need to send a vapid press release to The Star so they can refer to The Coronas as “rockers” and hype up the whole event as “star-studded”.
Spa #1: Who will we invite then?
Spa #2: Glenda Gilson, Brendan O’Carroll, yer one… you know the one, Podge & Rodge, the Celebrity Big Brother contestants for a bit of “Wow Factor” and eh… Dave Fanning?
Spa #1: You know a lot of these nominees are the same as last year? And I think Jack L works as bouncer at Citi Bar now.
Spa #2: Well, the only other Irish male we can possibly think of is the guy from our carol singing ad. We could nominate him…
Spa #1: Fair enough. Jack L it is. Sure, my ma still thinks he’s lovely. What about the “panel of industry experts” who will choose the winners?
Spa #2: I already told you! We have Hot Press and the PR girl – that’s the full extent of the Irish music industry as far as I’m aware.
You can vote for potato A or potato B in nine of the categories at the Meteor website above and you can do your nation a service by throwing eggs at the red carpet on February 19th at the RDS.